its really hard to explain. like really hard.

see, this is me: i am this really dumb person who never has a clue what they are doing. they look, sound, and just act really dumb. they think they are being okay, but they really aren’t. and you just want to feel so badly for them. sure, they /can/ be nice to you, but you don’t want to befriend them anyway. they are really stupid and have nothing going for them, and they are really, really, really weird. you shouldn’t bother with them.

this is the feeling i get of myself when i talk to other people. i feel that they view me this way (of course i’ll never get a fully detailed description of it, but thats close enough) and this is how i am convinced everyone views me. when i talk to epople, i watch what they say, how they react, etc, and usually, i seem to get terrible reactions. of course, i can’t interact correctly so i ask for it. i can’t help it, but i do this anyway. it’s like i’m that person who isn’t meant to be seen as great, and i guess i have to learn to deal with it

i wish people would read this but at the same time i don’t understand why i would want them to

its funny how i make way too huge of a deal out of this

my “friends” don’t care about me. i know that. but i seem to make a huge deal about not talking to them anymore. the thing is, i always plan things out, and i always change my mind at the last minute. 98% of the things i do are on impulse. i’m indecisive and at the last minute i will change my plan because its convenient or “oh, it doesn’t matter” when it usually does

like, should i still keep contact with these people? let’s see:
- i can’t fucking talk to any single fucking one of them because i feel so dumb about it and i feel like they don’t care

- they don’t seem to care about anything else i have to say anyway

- they make me feel like shit simply by existing. i’m not good enough for any of them and little trivial things just make me upset. like, you can have other friends, i dont care, i shouldnt care, but idk man so and so apparently makes you like them a lot more than me and i know i could fix things to an extent but its weird and i always hated the idea that some people mean more to people than others and it just made me sad because i guess i was always the one that never meant anything to anyone and i always feel like that i never will

i guess maybe i am afraid only because i think it will somehow change. it won’t. i know that. it’s fine. i graduate in a few weeks, i wont talk to any of you anymore. you wont really notice anyway, or care. it’s the best for everyone, i promise

maybe another reason why i’m so indecisive is because i’m afraid to settle

like, the idea of settling makes me think that i will miss out on something else. and that if i do settle i always feel like i blew it

i always feel like i can’t do anything right

today on my english test we had to write about how one of the works we read impacted us, and i was intending to go on about how this character is kind of my twin and how this conversation she had was one that i had so many times it made me sick but i decided to stop because its a fucking english test and i feel so ashamed of myself for even wanting to be that open. i feel like nothing’s valid if i tell everyone. it has to be a secret or i’m actually lying or something.but i guess i just want everyone to know because i am so lonely and just want someone to listen to me and try to help me and give me a false sense of hope because i’m selfish and feed off it but i just wish someone would say something that isnt the same regurgitated things and was genuine

but no, this so-called conversation is the “YOU HAVE TO LIKE YOURSELF!” bullshit. “look in the mirror and find something you like about yourself and repeat it” “write a list of things you like” do this, do that, keep lying to yourself

can you see there isn’t anything to like? like, nothing i like, at least. so i don’t get the point. how is this supposed to help me? again, settling. 

i need help but everytime i say that, it seems like the next day goes fine and that i don’t need it. i probably don’t. i’m making everything up or something

either i think too lowly of myself, or a bit too highly. nothing in between really

i feel bad for the highly part, i hate admitting it but once in a while i do but i know way better than to think that way

“you have a good sense of humor once someone gets to know you, and you have a sharp wit, and a good music taste”

thank you!!!!!!! that meant so much to me!!!!! like its been over a month since i heard that and i always tell myself that i hate you and you mean nothing to me but but idk doesnt happen. but it was straight up proof, i do nothing right and apparently me being “funny” (i’m not) is such a great thing. like, none of those things are important and i know that you know that so yeah. i hate you though rly jk i dont but i shouldn’t take anything from you seriously because you dont care about me either and you’re the type of person who goes from person to person whenever you’re bored and i know that well, but wooooooooops 

see i keep on demonizing these people but they do nothing wrong. i just try to make it sound that way. but don’t worry, i dont tell anyone this shit anyway. it’s just me trying to make myself feel better

its like a lie. sometimes i feel nothing and that everything’s ok until i tell myself that ___, ____, and ____ is wrong

and perhaps the fact that i can’t enjoy anything because i keep on putting all this worry over it

i don’t know what to do anymore

seruihgseriogseior 

i seriously have no idea how my life will be like, six months from now

i doubt it’s going to look up at all, but the sense of not having an idea is what bothers me 

life is meaningless and all but for some reason i still manage to get upset by everything

i hate all of you but not as much as i’ll ever hate myself

i’ve been on the verge of crying for the past half hour and i dont know why

is there that one person you look at their blog or talk to them and you realize how much you hate yourself and how much of a fucking awful person you are because of them?

its almost everyone i ever encounter

i dont even know what my problem is

i wish i fucking did

i wish someone fucking cared

but it wont help me anyway 

it’ll make me feel worse

actually being with people tomorrow is either going to really suck or

at least i remembered it before i risk releasing the last of my sanity for the general public and people i know to see. 

anyway, my mind is so scattered right now. i’ll just go with the flow.

i wish i could tell people everything. i wish i could tell people i know that i feel like absolute shit all the time. i wish i could tell people i know that i’m not okay and everything i display is (usually) a lie. however, there are a few things holding me back:

1. i don’t want to feel like i’m some attention seeking douchebag. i don’t want to sound “deep” i don’t want to sound like i’m “special” i don’t want to make it appear as if i am just crying for their attention. i’ll always regret the last time i tried to tell somebody something. i just want it to be genuine. 

2. i don’t know how to say it. i don’t know how to explain all of it. whenever i try to explain it i stutter and confuse myself and leave things out and put even more pressure on myself. i don’t know how to under-dramatize it because i think if i saying something blunt then it would over-dramatize it and the last thing i want is to say something for it to be wrong. my feelings. wrong. it’s like nothing i feel is “bad” enough or i’m just not “worse off” enough. my life generally has never sucked. i feel bad on top of feeling bad because i’m just not off enough. i’ve never tried to kill myself or had a direct urge to, i’ve never felt ~as bad~ as other people and i feel like i have no right to even seek anybody’s help in the slightest because there is nothing wrong with me besides just being fucking defective. i don’t deserve shit.

3. there is a part of me that wants to keep it hidden. i feel as if i will betray myself somehow if i tell anyone. like i’ll mess myself up. like i won’t be the same. like i can’t keep every title i identify myself as if people know. like i want to be that secretive person. i want it. and if i tell people, i’m not. then i lose all credibility. 

it’s just like how i like compliments but hate them at the same time. that if someone tells me i’m funny, i feel the pressure to stay funny to them because i don’t want them saying “wtf was i thinking telling that girl she was funny she isn’t funny anymore.” or that they claim to like something about me i would have to keep up with whatever they tell me because i don’t want to disappoint them. because i feel as if i disappoint everyone on a daily basis

but, what bothers me? what bothers me, you ask? 

i’m just scared. of everything. i’m scared to go to college and honestly 99% of the reason why i’m not going straight to an actual college is because i’m too fucking afraid. afraid that i won’t get in (although i’ve known some hella dumb people who got into college). afraid that it’ll suck. afraid that i’ll suck. afraid that it’ll be the past 17 years of my life all over again. but it tears me a bit……because i want to hold off so i can figure myself out, but at the same time, if i were to go to college and face everything right there, then i’d have no choice but to adjust. but it’s kind of like that “running away” thing. i always found it to be true, but i’ve realized that if your mind is basically shattered to pieces, no matter where you go…….it’s going to stay shattered. i’m scared to think about what will happen to me. i’m scared that i’ll never be able to make an actual, genuine, 1000% friend. i’m scared that i’ll be stuck as this same loser i have been for my entire life. i’m afraid that it won’t get better. and that i’m stuck here. in myself. and i can’t get out. because i can’t do anything right and i’ll never be capable of doing so. i’m not deep enough, i’m not smart enough, i’m not pretty enough, i’m not funny enough, i’m not interesting enough, and hell, i’m not even screwed up enough. there is nothing wrong with me. i’m just a fucking useless person. and i can’t do a thing about it. it’s kind of sad because i wish i could sing or i wish i was artistic, but no. neither. i can’t even write. i dont even know what i want to do with my life because i am so damn stupid, can never get a fact straight, i always miss the fucking point, and there is nothing that i enjoy doing and want to continue to do. whenever i look back, i always realize how weird/dumb/abnormal i am. and i think “oh, i’m okay now” but i’m never okay. i’ll never be okay. i’ll always be that inferior fuck that you’ll make fun of.

BUT I DONT WANT TO BE. IT’S NOT FAIR. WHY CAN’T I BE ONE THING THAT I WANT TO BE AND NOT THE PIECE OF STEREOTYPICAL LOSER SHIT THAT I AM. WHY CANT I FUCKING BE TALLER. OR A TWIG. OR ACTUALLY HAVE A DECENT LOOKING FACE. AND DECENT LOOKING HAIR. WHY CAN’T I BE SMART. WHY CANT I JUST NATURALLY ATTRACT PEOPLE. WHY CANT I STAND OUT TO PEOPLE. WHY CANT I PUT PEOPLE IN AWE. WHY CANT I JUST BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THINGS QUICKLY. WHY CANT I DO ONE FUCKING THING RIGHT. ONE. FUCKING THING.

but the more i think about it, the more it seems like that i fabricate what it’d be like to have friends. it seems like that it won’t be any different than now. that when i sit in a room with somebody i feel uncomfortable and just don’t like the environment and want to leave. that i imagine people to be better than they actually are. that i imagine them to be more entertaining than they actually are. i guess it’s one of those things that look wonderful on the outside but your imagination of the inside is actually the most unrealistic thing. 

not that people are decent anyway. i don’t blame them for my problems, but i always fucking wonder why people do this shit or that shit. i want to know what in a person’s mind distinguishes “i like this” “I don’t like this” “i want to talk to this person” “I don’t want to talk to that person.” i want to know who makes up the unexplained/unspoken rules about who fits in your “clique” and who doesn’t. about what you are allowed to make fun of people for and what is acceptable. i want to know what gives people the damn right to think that anyone who is different from them must be weird or unlikable or odd. i want to know what makes a person think “well you can have an opinion……………….but mine’s right.” i want to know what makes a person be the ultimate judge of good people and bad people. i want to know why it’s necessary to get in a stupid fight with your friend and you aren’t allowed to continue being friendly to them. or forgive them. it always puzzles me how people go through friendships like a piece of paper. how people can just mess around with each other like that. how people can establish these relationships that are “so great” and say these things to people and ~love~ them and have these feelings then one day. bam. i take back everything i ever said to you. how? i understand that people change…..but once that bitch was the prettiest thing in the world to you, but now she has been ugly all along? it makes me wonder how people change their views on others so easily. and its all weird to think how they used to believe this or that, and how delicate of a title it seemed to be. but you know, it means nothing now. i’ve experienced something else, and even if it’s not the best thing i could ever experience, it’ll be the last thing i experience. therefore this is it. it’s so fucking weird to think that. i guess its because people need some sense of validation. they need ego boosts. they are too naive and want to jump board on everything right away. people are so damn self centered. and it’s the weirdest thing to think about. i can just think and think and i have a feeling my life won’t ever be the way i hope it is. it’ll probably just be awful.

i just want to know why the hell it has to be that way.

i guess i’m done. i hate how stupid this is worded. i hate how pseudo-intriguing and deep it is. i hate how someone could explain this better. 

basically there is nothing i hate more than myself

because i don’t feel like polluting my main one with my nonsense. nobody should read it. nobody has the url to this although i kind of wish at least somebody did. i’ll think about it, i guess.

it’s difficult because i want to start accepting myself but i can’t.

i mean, it’s stupid. if i did not hate myself so much, logically things would be easier, right? because even if i have nobody’s approval…..then there would be mine. and that’s all that would matter.

i mean let’s be realistic here: nobody likes me. i wish they did. only reason is because i hate myself. people are like oh other people can’t like you unless you like yourself!!! 

i will admit that is bullshit. yet again i would see why that is true, because if don’t like yourself, then what are other people liking? they are obviously not liking you, because if you hate what you are presenting…..it isn’t you. it kind of makes sense. to me at least. but i’ll admit that i am stupid even though i wish i wasn’t and claim that i am not.

lie number two. i’m not stupid. i have problems communicating my feelings. i never think before i speak. i get it. the way i think isn’t idiotic. i know i have a sense of some things, so i cannot say i am “stupid.”

but let’s get back to the other side of my brain, right?

underneath all this, is the knowledge that i am fucking worthless and nobody will like me. no matter how much i try to make myself likable, i am just not cut out to be a decent person. what about me is/can be good? nothing. i try to be nice but i’m not. i say dumb things. yeah, likable. i can’t fix any of it. the way i am (that can’t be changed) is: an ugly, dumb burden of a person. it can be killed off and nobody would even remember that it existed. i think i owe all of this to my parents…..they wanted a kid. and guess what they got…….THIS.

“hehehe taylor you’re beautiful and smart and a good person!!!” bullshit. i’m your kid. you are supposed to say those things. and even if you truly believe them, you are unfortunately mistaken.

i was never the person who was cut out for anything. like always average or below average at everything. never able to make friends. stuff like that. i just am naturally not good enough for anything and that can never be changed.

so it’s settled: instead of trying to convince myself bullshit, i should just stick to what i know i am…..ugly, stupid, worthless, waste of space, etc.

the only difference is that i have to learn to stop crying about it. i’ll embrace it.

so yeah, the first half of this post was pure nonsense and i’ll stop thinking in that way. sorry.